Why Your Child’s Behavior Is Communication (Not Defiance)

Picture this: You’re in the grocery store, and your child suddenly has a meltdown. The stares from strangers burn into your back. The frustration rises. You’re tempted to snap, discipline, or say something to “show” you’re in control.

But what if I told you this moment isn’t about defiance? It’s about communication.

According to child development expert Mona Delahooke, behavior is often a sign of feelings a child can’t yet process. When they act out, they aren’t plotting rebellion—they’re signaling something deeper. Stress, overwhelm, fatigue, hunger, or emotions too big for their little bodies to handle.

So, what can we do instead of punishing or demanding obedience?

1️⃣ Pause & Regulate Yourself – It starts with us. If we meet their dysregulation with our own frustration, we escalate the moment. Take a deep breath, lower your voice, and model calm.

2️⃣ Get Curious Instead of Angry – Instead of thinking, Why are they doing this to me? ask, What are they struggling with right now? Is it sensory overload? Exhaustion? Anxiety? Children aren’t trying to ruin our day; they’re trying to process their own.

3️⃣ Validate Their Feelings – Before correction, comes connection. Saying, “I see you’re really upset. This is hard.” doesn’t mean we allow bad behavior, but it does help them feel seen and understood—an essential step before they can learn better coping skills.

4️⃣ Offer Tools, Not Just Discipline – Young children often lack the words to express frustration. Help them build their emotional vocabulary: “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated. Do you need a break? A hug? A deep breath?” Over time, they’ll learn to communicate in words instead of outbursts.

5️⃣ Teach, Don’t Shame – Our job isn’t to make sure they “behave” so we don’t look bad in public. Our job is to equip them with the emotional intelligence they’ll need for life. Instead of, “Stop crying!” try, “I’m here to help you. Let’s figure this out together.”

The more we study our children and respond with understanding instead of reacting, the more we help them build resilience, self-regulation, and trust.

Next time big feelings show up in big ways, try shifting your perspective: Your child isn’t giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. And your calm, steady presence is exactly what they need to get through it.

💛 What’s one way you help your child through tough moments? Let’s share and learn together.